Overthinking Breathing

Have you ever been sitting at night exhausted but can’t fall asleep? You sit up staring at your phone, knowing it’s not helping you. When you finally abandon your useless tools of tiring, you close your eyes, hoping this last moment will help your brain drift to the gentle land of dreams just to find yourself unusually aware of your breathing. You realize in that moment, there’s something in your nose, or your lungs feel slightly heavy.

Growing up, I really struggled with sleeping. I would always get hyper aware of everything going on the moment my eyes closed. I could hear the train near my house. I could feel the cool breeze from the open window. What if someone wanted to climb into the window? If I close the window, it would be too hot. What are the chances? It hasn’t happened yet, so how likely would it happen now? It only takes once.

There were nights I would watch hours go by, trying so hard to fall asleep. Finally, I came up with a solution that worked great.

I don’t know how anyone else’s minds work, but I’m very visual minded. So when night came, I would create a story inside my head. There was a series where I got mystical powers, and then a world conquering human-like alien tried to take over the world. I had one series where, in a post-apocalyptic world, all the high schools turned into different tribes that would occasionally go to war.

When I wasn’t creating original stories, I inserted myself into stories I’d read or watched. I went to Hogwarts with Harry, Ron, and Hermione. I rode Dragons with Eragon and walked the swampy path to mordor with Frodo and Sam. I fought alongside Luke Skywalker and Obi-wan. Somehow, closing my eyes and imagining these elaborate stories were just the right thing to get my brain to sleep.

Eventually, I hated how easily I fell asleep. I’d be getting deep into a good story only to drift off and have to try and wake myself up enough to remember where I was at. Each night, I’d start from where I left off, like watching a series on TV.

As I’ve gotten older, the old man in me can pretty much fall asleep at any time. Most nights, it’s the keeping awake that’s a challenge, even when I want to stay awake. But there are still some nights, I close my eyes and try to sleep. I’ll hear the cars rushing past on the road. I’ll feel the cool wind from the overhead fan above. Did I lock the doors? Yes, I remember checking before coming upstairs. My daughter had a lot of stuffed animals. Maybe I should check on her. No, she’ll be okay. She sleeps with all those stuffed animals all the time.

Then, for the rare times it happens, I take a trip back to those old worlds of the past. Those moments I lived before and I’m able to drift into the gentle world of dreams.